A Legal Alien

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14 August 2005

Ok, I have good friend who lives about 40 miles away. We met on AOL years ago but didn't meet up until I moved here. She's married with 3 kids, 2 of which have autism. She's got a nice husband, really smart, funny, etc. So in March or April, she basically had a nervous breakdown and doesn't get out of bed for 10 days. She's had serious psychological problems in the past and severe epilepsy as a kid.

After the breakdown, she told her dh she needed some time away, by herself without the kids or him. She came to London for the weekend at the end of June. When I was home in July, she confessed to me she'd had a weekend rendevous with a former lover, a guy who was one of her profs at uni. This guy is a total snake, married and finds a student to cheat with all the time. She would seriously throw away her entire life to runaway with him. She's also an admitted sex addict and this guy is her trigger. I won't out him here, even though I'm tempted to. I will say this. He lives in SoCal and he teaches Russian Lit. Women, beware.

This week, she and her dh and kids went on holiday to Cork. While she was there, she found out she's pregnant. Her dh had the snip 2 years ago so it's not his. It turns out there was ANOTHER guy she met online that she's been sleeping with and it's his baby. I'm stunned that she's done all this. She's going to terminate the pregnancy and her GP thinks she might have a form of schizophrenia. She needs in-patient care and with the slow NHS, they might go back to the US to get her the help she needs.

I'm trying to be a supportive friend but part of me is so angry at her for being so irresponsible and self-destructive. We've been such good friends for so long and I feel betrayed. I've told her I'm not walking away from our friendship because I think that would push her over the edge to be abandoned. But what do I do?

I told her tonight that I was upset she was so irresponsible but that I'd only say that once and leave it (I think my exact words were something along the lines of 'I can't believe how stupid and fucking irresponsible you are'). She doesn't need to be kicked when she's down so I didn't say much more. But I also know if she doesn't get help for her mental problems, I can't be friends with her any more. My trust is rattled and I'm ashamed of her.

I've had friends who've had affairs before but this feels different. My other straying friend has a husband who is a prick but this friend.. her husband is a great guy. He's stood by her through so much crap, dealing with her ex-husband and loves her son like he's his own. She's down and I don't want to make things worse by not being supportive. She's going to the GP tomorrow to get RU486 for the termination. The other guy knows and supports her decision. I'm just having to think about all this, like she dropped a bomb in my lap but that feels so selfish to be thinking of myself in a time like this.

I don't understand self-destructive behaviour, even though I've got my share of problems. I don't know why people throw away marriages and children. I feel so badly for her husband and their kids. They're the innocent victims in all this. And I get mad when I think of it. She's so destructive to them and yet, she's a good friend to me.

I'm awake at 1:42am typing this because I can't sleep. I had a horribly shitty day yesterday, a royal pity party complete with tears, snotty nose, and a bizarre phone call to Frank that left him frustrated and me annoyed that he's not more supportive. Sometimes I wish he could climb inside my head and just GET it that I feel out of control of my moods. I don't relish being down on myself. I just don't know how to stop it. Medicine helps so that I manage, so I can function. But other times, I bottom out and it seems like I'll never quite figure out the abyss that is my brain. I read this website last night that said depression is linked to overactive REM sleep cycles and people with depression should just stop 'ruminating' about things. Yeah, because not thinking about things and going to bed is a practical way to go about life. The only thing I could agree with is that I DO have vivid dreams and I can usually recall them clearly the next morning (which annoyed my family when I would try to recount them over breakfast). I don't know if dreams are a manifestation of my depression or if I'm 'chronically' exhausted because I dream too much and don't get enough deep sleep.

Right now, I'm getting NO sleep but I'm watching MLB with the lame UK broadcasters. I suppose it's better than tossing and turning. I'm supposed to go out to pick up the keys to my new place tomorrow and sign the lease. I'm actually nervous about it because like it or not, this WILL be where I'm staying for a while. I don't have a car yet and that's giving me anxiety. Living in the 'burbs without a car is a drag. I manage in the city but outside the city will be more interesting.

One fiasco at a time, I suppose. My dissertation is being bound so that's a big item off the list. I still have to write my school development paper, prepare for school to start, move, find a car, clean my old place that I'm sad to leave. I've made a home here and I will be sad to leave. The screaming banshee lady across the street I won't miss. Jam Master DJ I won't miss. My huge rent bill I won't miss. And I won't miss counting chicken bones on the sidewalk on the way home or to the Tube.

For Paul Barrett

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