A Legal Alien

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06 November 2006

Once upon a time, I was happy with my life. I'm basically happy with my life now except for the last week or so, I've been profoundly missing FWB. It's all very stupid and ridiculous to waste more time and energy on him because let's face it, he's moved on and I was never part of the big picture. But when I think about him not being a part of my life ever again, I get so sad. I miss talking to him, even about stupid stuff. In the unpacking process, I dusted off my desktop computer and found dozens of emails and IMs from before I moved to England. It was the time we were getting to know each other before we met face-to-face, after we met the first time and then right before I left. It was turbulent time in my life and on some level, I knew he could relate to leaving everything behind for a new life. As my friend Adrienne would say, it's just cutting myself on the pieces. And man, am I good at it.
I stood in the bathroom yesterday afternoon and cried. Cried because I spent my weekend babysitting my cousin, because FWB never answered the text I sent him last week, because nothing ever seems to go the way I want it to where boys are concerned. I stood in the mirror and told myself I was better than that, that FWB didn't deserve my tears, my thoughts, any more of my energy. I don't know how successful it was to have this lame pep talk while the dog drank out of the toilet but it did help me wipe up my tears and get on with my day. That and a second dose of Prozac.
I don't know that I'll ever get over FWB, that I'll ever want something to work as badly as I did that. I've written him two letters, neither of which have been mailed because I don't think any good will come from it, other than opening up an old wound. Oh, who am I kidding? The wound's already been opened. I just don't want to deal with more rejection. If he wanted to talk to me, he knows how to find me. I've kept my UK mobile with some weird hope that he'd text me again, that he'd email or IM or do something. But it's been 13 months and nothing. It makes me nauseated to think of him with other people but there's not a damn thing I can do to change anything. I'm 5000 miles away now, as if being 1 hr by train wasn't hard enough on us before.
One day. One day I'll figure it out and I'll live happily ever after.

For Paul Barrett

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