A Legal Alien

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19 October 2006

I have been so busy lately that keeping up my blog has been the lowest of low priorities, behind painting the laundry room which my mother insisted had to be done. I won that battle because I am so not painting again for a while.

I have a sore throat and a bit of a drippy nose at the moment so I'm not in a great frame of mine to be posting but that's ok. I've felt worse and accomplished less.

I'm officially moved into the new house and overall, I like it. It still doesn't quite feel like MY HOUSE yet, even with all my furniture in it. Everything isn't unpacked yet and it's just taking a while to settle in, longer than I thought it would. I think I'm afraid to feel unpacked, to allow myself to settle in because that somehow means I'm here forever. I SO DON'T WANT THAT. I plan to go back to England, however I can but for now, I'm here. I'm trying to build a life again. I'm back in choir at church, have seen some old friends that I'd lost track of (one who didn't even know I'd left or that my precious Mel had died in 2003). I sort of feel like a bird just out of the egg. Like, I'm figuring out how my wings work because I'm not sure. My head is swimmy most of the time because I can't quite figure out how to make CA feel like home again or to make this new house feel like my home. It's a lovely home. It's not my other house though. It's not cozy the way that house was. That house was HOME. This will be too, one day. For now, I'm still unpacking boxes and waiting for the satellite TV to get set up (this Saturday!).

What else? I have a friend from one of the expat websites I have frequented in the past who sent me an email that has indirectly put me back into the path of FWB. I've always known I could get in touch with him again if I so chose and I've honestly been SO good about not talking to him. It's been 13 months since we split, since he broke it off with me and we've had no contact since that day. NONE. I didn't tell him I'd left England, although I'm sure someone has probably told him by now. I haven't emailed him, even though I've thought about it almost daily. I just can't take the heartache of it all. I wanted him to love me. One day I'll come to accept that he won't. Today isn't that day.

For Paul Barrett

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