A Legal Alien

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10 March 2006

I had a good talk with TinyDancer yesterday and it made me miss England so much! Everyone was at the pub and the phone got passed around so I could say hi to everyone. Our little group is fracturing as Spiderman will be leaving in April and that will leave only 3 people left in Essex at the end of this year. There's got to be a huge red flag going off somewhere that the schools in that community are in serious trouble. Retaining teachers isn't hard, when the school isn't crap!

Been applying for jobs but still nothing yet. I'm not worried about finding something, it's just a matter of finding the right place and getting settled. My stuff should be in-country by the end of March and hopefully I'll have it by Easter. It takes a week to clear customs and then I have to wait until a shipment is coming this way from LA.

The excitement for the day? Going to the dry cleaners, doing laundry, and laminating a Tube map at my mom's school. Here's the sad thing.. I've gone back and forth about talking to my ex again, the one I left CA to get away from in the first place. That's how bored and lonely I am. I have his work phone and he's been emailing me this week. WHAT AM I DOING?! This guy was a constant source of misery for me and when I left CA for London, I didn't talk to him until after Frank broke up with me the first time. I only called him then because I was miserable and lonely. Our final split came last year on Valentine's Day when over IM, he told me to fuck off because I wouldn't send him explicit pictures of myself. He blew me off when I had surgery in 2002 for a breast lump. He never met my family in the 2 1/2 years we were together. He didn't bother to come over when my precious Mel died, waiting until nearly a month later to finally drive 30 minutes down to my house. He was at my house the last night I lived there but didn't stay the next morning to help me move out with my parents. He stood me up more times than I can count, including nights I made dinner for us, only to throw out half of it because he didn't show OR call to tell me he wasn't coming. It was always something and I was so stupid, I just kept forgiving him.

And I actually think about calling him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

My friends hate him, all my friends. I blame a lot of my depression/self-esteem issues on that relationship because it was during the time that I was with him that I first climbed onto the rollercoaster that is clinical depression. I haven't been able to get off of it since. I know talking to him again is just toxic for my entire well-being, as fragile as it may be right now. I don't have enough to do to fill my time and I'm just waiting for my stuff to arrive so I have something to do with my days. Unpacking isn't a thrill a minute but it's something to do, something productive. It's too cold to garden or do any spring planting in my poorly containers that my parents have been plant sitting for a year and a half. The weather changes about every 2 hours so there just isn't much that's worth doing outside. Besides, I'm by myself all day and then have to go pick up my mom at 3pm every day. Not having a car royally sucks.

Man, I'm whiney. I knew coming back would be tough but I wasn't expecting to feel so isolated. People just don't understand me anymore. I feel like I left half of myself in England. It will get better but right now, I'm wallowing. I don't feel lucky to be back in the US, I feel like I blew my opportunity to keep living the dream. Right now, I just gotta keep livin'.

For Paul Barrett

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