A Legal Alien

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07 February 2006

I haven’t been very good about my blog of late because my internet access has been limited. I spent Thursday and Friday running around, visiting museum gift shops and shopping. But by Friday afternoon, my mom was home from the hospital and my deposit from the cottage wasn’t here yet so I changed my flight back to the 16th. It’s given me some time to see people one last time, say goodbye properly and relax. I’ve had some of the best sleep since I came back (except for the night before last when I didn’t fall asleep until 7am which I guess would technically be yesterday morning) because being in the cottage was stressful and tense.

Being back in London has been such a blessing. I’ve been able to get on the bus and run errands without a car or taxi. I’ve spent time with Laura, Bassel and been able truly enjoy the city. It’s been cold and on Thursday I was in Covent Garden to do some shopping. It snowed for a while which was peaceful and felt like London in wintertime. I sat in the crypt of St. Paul’s and prayed for my mom, for peace about going home. I prayed on the tube going home yesterday, just to say thank you for the time I’ve had in England, for the blessings I’ve been given since I moved here, for the friendships, the experiences, the wisdom that’s come from all of it.

I can’t really focus on how much I will miss the city. It’s like this hole that I can’t fill. The roar of the bus, the length of time it takes to get anywhere, the diversity of people, the cold wind, the daffodils in Green Park, the fountains in Trafalgar Square, the memories. Just the memories. They are everywhere. Every time I get on the tube, or the bus or when I open the door downstairs or walk down Seven Sisters Road. I’m flooded with the way it used to be and how deeply sad I am about leaving. I don’t know that this is the best thing for me; I don’t want to go back to California. But I can’t ignore my family and how important they are to me too. Maybe when I feel 100% again, it will get easier.

For Paul Barrett

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