A Legal Alien

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07 January 2006

I'm home alone again tonight, enjoying every moment of it. I realized the other day while talking to Dominique that I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to do the work, live the disappointment or heartache. It's just not worth it. Whether the relationship troubles I have are my fault or not, I don't want to do it right now. Too much of my life is topsy turvy at the moment. How would it work? "Hi! I'm 32, unemployed and will probably be living with my parents again shortly. Buy me a drink?" Uh, no thanks.

TinyDancer, Spiderman and I went to have breakfast/lunch today at about 2pm. It was nice to get out of the house for a while and walk down the high street. Of course, we all saw students. I was prepared for it and sure enough, there they were. It was a gaggle of year 7 boys and they just said hi and went on their way. Trust me, they don't want to talk to me any more than I want to talk to them! We ate at a nice little bakery and then came back here. It was so cold, snowed during the night.

Someone else is coming to look at the car tomorrow. He wanted to come tonight, at like 8pm to see it and I said no. First, what's the point of seeing it in the dark? Second, I was home alone at night. No, weird guy from Cambridge. You cannot come down, look at my car and then take me for a beer. WTF? I don't know you! We're not mates! So maybe tomorrow I'll have some more money and no car.

The prospect of not having a car bothers me a bit, takes away a bit of my freedom. I had a hard time dealing with no car when I lived in the city and lasted about 5 days out here without one. It'll be ok not to have one as I'm more comfortable calling for a taxi now than I was even 5 months ago.

I talked to T today and she's going to meet me in Glasgow in a few weeks. I've never been there and she used to live there. So, we'll spend a day checking out a few sites and have a good curry. I haven't seen her since March so I'm looking forward to hanging out for a while.

I'm feeling supported a lot since I got back here, really loved and realizing that people were really worried about me. I can't even explain how bad my head was when I left here. It was bad, like I want to disappear off the face of the earth without dying bad. I haven't felt that overwhelming desire to RUN like that since I lived in Mexico and I planned an elaborate escape back to the US. Coming back, facing my demons a bit, circling the wagons or whatever has been good. Getting my stuff from school helped me close the door a bit there and realize that I don't have to go back there again.

I know what a nervous breakdown feels like now. It's not pretty. It's dark, it's suffocating, surreal. It chips away at the soul, slowly, like termites eat away at the foundation of a house. You don't realise it's bad until the house is ready to collapse. (How's that for lame metaphor?) So now comes the part when I rebuild the house, brick by brick. I'll be better, stronger for it, with a softer heart and sharper mind. One day I'll be thankful. I'm not thankful for falling apart right now but one day, it'll make more sense and I can be grateful for what's happened to me in the last few months. I don't want to be bitter or angry. I want to be joyful for the second chance to live. To live, not survive, not subsist, to live.

For Paul Barrett

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