A Legal Alien

map

02 July 2006

I'm housesitting for some family friends and at the moment I can't sleep. My brain is in overdrive and I have no idea why. If this doesn't make any sense, well, you'll have to get over it because it's 12:59am.

I've been listening to a lot of music lately, mostly because I've been in the car a ton. For people who know me well or have known me a long time, this part won't come as any surprise. I've had this ongoing obsession/fan thing/like OHMYGOD about Pearl Jam. I've seen them live more times than I can count and I've not been a fair weather fan. I saw them for the first time in 1991, before they were so huge. In fact, I couldn't get anyone to go with me to the concert and I dragged along a girl I barely knew who was a huge fan of Amy Grant. Yeah, so she wasn't exactly thrilled to hear the searing guitar and grumblings of one Eddie Vedder. I didn't care that she was sitting there with her ears covered. My entire body tingled and I was ecstatic. Several more concerts later and some holy shit that's a bad album moments, I'm still a fan. Tonight they were on this new show on VH1 and I had to watch. I wasn't the huge dork I was 15 years ago who sat up late to tape every second of anything they did so I could watch it again and again and again. But I made sure the dog was thoroughly worn out beforehand so I wouldn't be disturbed in my adoration.
Here's what got me thinking... most people know the backstory of the songs from their first album and EV was talking about how the song 'Alive' was at one time, this rant about how the hell do I deal with all this because I'm still alive. But the fans of their music changed the meaning to be some type of celebration of being alive, that in the midst of the whirlwind of chaos and bullshit, it's ok to realize I'm still alive. I've been thinking about that ever since because I get so caught up in my poor me crap that I sometimes forget that it's ok to just dance around, to see the light at the end.
And then he started talking about cars, driving, running away. I flashed to those 2 moments in the car in Essex... one on a Thursday night when I put my toothbrush, medicine and passport in my purse and started to drive to Heathrow and the other on the Sunday morning before that when I got on the M20 headed for France. I just wanted to vanish, to run, to hide, to get away from this awful existence that was my life. And again, again, AGAIN.. the soundtrack of my life was being written someone 5800 miles away from me, who has no clue I share the same side of the planet.

In the far off distance
As my tail-lights fade
No one thinks to witness
But they will someday
Feel like a question is forming
And the answeres far
I'll be what I could be
Once I get of of this town
For the lights of this city
They have lost all feeling
Gonna leave 'em all behind me
Cause this time

I'm gone

Long gone
This time I'm letting go of it all
So long
Long gone, I'm letting go of it all
Cause this time I'm gone

I didn't run those first two times but I did the third time and what a mess I made. Sometimes I feel like I'm still picking up the pieces.

Here's the insane part of being a repatriated expat. People say how much they miss you, how they want you to come home, how life just isn't the same when you're gone. And when you come home, it's like you're still gone. I have one friend here and one friend in Sacramento who make time to see me, call me, want to see how I'm doing. The rest? Poof! Gone. My phone doesn't ring. I get virtually no texts anymore. I have a huge house to myself for 3 weeks and no one to enjoy it with. People say they wanted me to come home but I don't think they really meant it.

Got a car. I got some gas.
Oh, let's get out of here. Get out of here fast.
Ah, everyone's confused so I stay in my room.
If I go, I don't want to go alone.
I hope you get this message. Oh, you're not home.
I could be there in ten minutes, or so.
Oh, I got my things.
We'll make it up as we go along.
Oh, with you I could never be alone.
Never be alone.

For Paul Barrett

change here for:

Free Website Counter