A Legal Alien

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17 January 2006

MUST. NOT. CHOKE. DEADTOME.

We got into it today because apparently, I'm not living with enough remorse for leaving work the way I did. I think I was supposed to come back all apologetic and beg for everyone to forgive me, well, at least DEADTOME thinks I was supposed to behave that way. He went on and on about how I left everyone in the lurch, people were covering for me and I didn't even say thank you. How could I not care about them?!! All those people who didn't help me or offer any advice that wasn't given begrudgingly?!! Right, I'm supposed to bend over and take it up the ass TWICE.

So the conversation ended with me in tears and him chastizing me for going to Scotland this weekend while people at work are doing my reports and having meetings with my kids' parents. Right, because they weren't working to replace me as soon as I left. DEADTOME said our headteacher told him he did the right thing by calling and finking me out that fateful Friday, that I was supposed to call three days after I left and tell her what I was doing. Whatever. She didn't tell me to call her that soon. And the supposed 'oh, we don't have your details or anyway to contact you' bullshit? Yeah, apparently no one in the department bothered to ask uh, THE OFFICE because they had every phone number in CA for me and my mobile.

DEADTOME hadn't spoken to me for 2 days, not even a hello. Today, I asked him to move his dry laundry off the clothes horses and he snapped, "You can move them yourself. I just got home from work." I said, "I don't know which clothes are yours and which ones belong to Spiderman." And then began the whole tirade about "Don't you feel bad at all for what you did to us?" Excuse me?? No, I don't feel bad for quitting a job that was slowly killing my mental health. No, I don't feel bad for leaving people in the lurch. My school could've hired a supply teacher to cover for me and they chose not to. I refuse to feel guilty for a last ditch effort at self-preservation, especially when I was treated like shit at work AND at home. Granted, I'm not proud of leaving the way I did, but at the time, it was leave or go completely nuts. I chose not to go nuts.

I wish I could explain my actions so there was no bitterness or anger, no guilt or frustration but nothing I can do will make time reverse itself. And feeling guilty now doesn't change anything. I won't make the same mistakes I made here again. I didn't do everything the right way and I've done plenty of kicking myself. I don't need help from my santimonious housemate, thank you very much. I was in a dark, dark place when I left here and there really isn't any other way to explain it. If I'd stayed, I would've ended up in a mental hospital because there weren't a lot of options. It was either leave or have a total break with reality. Running away to ANYWHERE sounded like a perfect idea. It makes no sense now but at the time, I had to do something. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on the last 2 months and think Thank GOD it's over.

For Paul Barrett

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