A Legal Alien

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03 November 2005

I'm irritable and have been for the last 4 days. So here's what's bugging me.

Our filthy bathroom and the fact that NO. ONE. BUT. ME. CLEANS.
Being 5300 miles away from my family and closest friends.
Having a scattered support system in the UK.
No freedom to teach what I want.
Feeling completely incompetent at work and that I have to battle for attention just to do what I was hired to do. When I do something right, I get no praise. None.
Quitting and going home sounds like a good idea and I've never felt that way since leaving California. I'm conflicted and I hate that. If work was better, I wouldn't feel this way though.
Being disrespected by students.
Darkness at 4:30pm.

Basically, I'm lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. I feel myself pulling away from people, emotionally retreating into my head and not reaching out to anyone. It's a bad place to be. I told Disa last night that I've been living 'The Dream' for the last 15 months but I felt like it had become a nightmare. 'The Dream' was London, not Essex. I need to move back there or go home because this is slowly killing me. I'm too close to work, too close to students. I have no distance, no perspective and running into them in Sainsbury's and Boots is annoying. Sometimes all of this is more than I can handle and I miss my family, my life back in CA. I miss my little house, my dog, the car I sold, my furniture. Being home for a week didn't make me feel better. It's almost made me feel worse.

A year ago, I never contemplated moving back home. But I've been kicked around a lot the last 8 weeks and this is not the life I had or the life I wanted.

For Paul Barrett

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