A Legal Alien

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07 November 2005

I'm certifiably I-N-S-A-N-E! Yes, imagine a world where life makes no sense then add colour, obnoxious Essex teenagers and two 20-something housemates and you have my life!

In a fit of 'oh dear God what have I done to my life!' I almost quit my job. Yes, it sucks that much. I've been homesick ever since I came back from my trip to CA and my week at work last week was just awful. I spent hours agonizing over each day to the point I nearly snapped. If I hadn't taken a sleeping pill before going to bed on Saturday, I probably would've gotten up and driven off without a word to anyone. It seemed to make perfect sense. I could hopefully get fired and then be forced to go home!

And yet, I was paralyzed and never drove off at 3am. It was very, very, VERY tempting though and I even planned out the phone conversation I'd have with my mom when I rationally explained to her that I'd driven away from my life in Essex and I'd be shipping my things home as soon as I could get them packed and the car sold. Trust me, it all made perfect sense at 2am. Today, it doesn't sound so sensible.

However, I am unhappy but I think it's a combination of things instead of one particular aspect of my life. I'm lonely and missing my ex. He's moved on and I haven't. I don't know how I feel about that other than raw, betrayed, deceived, and sad. I miss my friends in London. I've rung a few this week to make plans for dinner, etc. because I miss seeing my girls! I haven't done my part to keep in touch though, withdrawing into myself instead of leaning on those who are here.
I'm not happy in my living situation. I never really escape from work. As nice as Housemate is, I've seen the dark, asshole side and it's not pretty. I've seen how men are in their natural habitat and again, it's not pretty. I'm in no hurry to get married if this is how it is. I've arranged a few viewings for flats but I may be stuck here until after Christmas because of the terms of my lease. Going back to the city may help. If nothing else, it gives me a break from my job and the chance to lounge around in my pajamas all day on Saturday or call in sick when I just need a guilt-free day to myself.

So, I'm feeling rather at a crossroads. Part of me wants to pack it in and go home but that feels premature and reactionary. My PMS was in overdrive for a few days and I didn't realize it. I quite honestly scared myself over the weekend with how down I was, how easily I cried over pathetic things, how much I cleaned and scrubbed and cleaned again because NO. ONE. CLEANS. BUT. ME. (Have I mentioned that before? I have all of the responsibility and NONE of the perks of living with men. NONE.) The other part of me feels like giving the finger to all the wankers at school because I won't let them run me off. I'm too stubborn for my own good when I want to be. If I'm supposed to stay here, I need encouragement, to reconnect with the reasons I wanted to come here in the first place. Getting out of this house is the first step.

Sometimes we have to go through the darkness alone, before we can see the light.
~Adele Comandini

For Paul Barrett

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