A Legal Alien

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23 July 2005

I'm starting to think I'll never sleep at normal times ever again. I hate coming back to the UK after being in California. My insomnia is bad already, but then I come home and bam! Right back to being awake to see the sunrise.

Trying hard not to be anxious or depressed about life right now. I would like to get out and be social but that just doesn't feel right. I have no idea why. Maybe I should just take a drive out of the city next week to get my mind straightened out. My depression is coming back a bit. I've been feeling insecure for the last week or so. I think I've just had so much to think about with finishing school, moving, starting a new job, giving away my furniture. It makes me want to scream and I feel sort of alone in all of it. I'm horrible about asking for help but this is even worse because before, I had my parents to lean on. I don't have that same support system here. It's lonely sometimes. I don't have people I can 100% rely on.

This is a very weird time to live in London. There was a gay pride concert in the park tonight and they let off these very loud fireworks when it was over. Actually, twice during the evening. The first time it happened, I almost ran to the other room to hide. It was so loud, 8 loud blasts. Realizing they were fireworks didn't really help me feel any better. Considering everything that's gone on the last few weeks, it wouldn't seem like the best idea to have a fireworks display in the park.

I've read more books this week than I have in a long time. It's all this staying up until the wee hours of the morn. I miss my dog. I miss my little house I sold, my garden. It's more nostalgia than longing. I want to have my own furniture here. I forgot how much I liked my couch, my chair, my table.

I'm rambling now. I want a normal night's sleep.

For Paul Barrett

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