A Legal Alien

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25 July 2007

When I was 22-ish, I spent a lot of time online. Like a LOT of time online, in chat rooms mostly. It was a weird time in my life, an unsure time and in the course of being bored at home, I started chatting. At first it was just something to pass the time and then I started to get sucked in. I met a guy. He lived in Canada. I was afraid to let my guard down so I fed him a load of lies, even down to where I lived. He bought it until I started to feel guilty and confessed the whole truth. Eventually, it turned to whatever you can call internet romance. We met offline, he professed love. I professed love. I nearly lost my virginity to him. But I didn't. Thank God. He said he wanted to marry me. I said ok, but I always knew it wouldn't happen. We split about 9 months after we met online. I was crushed. He'd cheated and confessed. I had no idea. Obviously, there was a lot I didn't know about him. He was a dirtbag of the highest order and to this day, 10 years later, I have no idea what he told me that was true and what was a lie. However, the major difference now is I don't give a crap. I spent hours mourning that relationship. It was crushing. I built fences around me and clung to the friendships of people who were around during the whole debacle. Everything else fell to the wayside. Eventually, I got over it and the last time we spoke (5 years ago), he was married and still apologetic for the way he'd treated me. Of course he had an ulterior motive: finding Eddie.

Eddie was an online friend of his, someone I'd loathed from nearly the start. He was arrogant, overly sarcastic, insensitive. A prick. No thanks. The ice started to melt when Eddie got his heart broken by someone online and I took pity on him. That's true, I really did feel bad for him. (See what getting caught up in online drama will do?) We became tenuous friends, me never quite sure if he was teasing me or if he really meant what he said. But during the fateful summer of my split with Dean, he was there. He called me on the phone and suddenly, the personality made sense. What never translated online made perfect sense with a real voice to go along with it. He was funny and brutally honest. BRUTALLY honest about a lot of things. While I mired in the break up, he kept at me to get over it.

We started talking all the time, at least once a day online and several times a week on the phone. He always had a string of girlfriends and I was relegated to being 'the best friend'. I was ok with that for a long time because he was my ex's friend, not mine. But when he stopped defending Dean and realized how profoundly hurt I'd been by the relationship's demise, everything changed.

It was never romantic, even though I wanted it to be. He was just Eddie. He was supportive in his own twisted way, telling me that being a teacher was 'maybe' the right thing for me but he wasn't so sure. That I'd be happy once I got laid. That I'd be happy once I lost weight. But he also told me I was a part of his life he'd not willingly part with because he loved me like no one else. It was cold comfort at times but it was all I had.

We met offline the summer I started teaching, in 1998. I stayed almost a week, I think. It was like I'd thought it would be and yet, I knew I was falling for him. By New Year's Eve of 1999, he told me never wanted to speak to me again. He was dating someone seriously. I had dated someone seriously and been dumped, but too afraid to tell him about the break up. I don't really remember what led up to the final argument but I do know there were some nasty emails fired back and forth. I was sad but I also knew I was outgrowing the friendship. My life was changing but his really wasn't. He couldn't keep a job for longer than 6 months. He lived with his parents. He was a man-whore. He still didn't seem to have a lot of friendships.

I have no idea what happened to Eddie after 1999. He blocked me from sending him emails after that night and then changed his email address. I've thought of him several times over the years, wondering what he was doing, if he'd found the right girl ('How many is enough, Kris? How many? 50?'), if he ever got out of his parents' house. If he lived in CA, I'd meet up with him for coffee so he could see what I've become. I've owned a home, made a killing on the sale of it, moved to London, bought another home, had more than one partner, lost one dog and found another, bought a new car, changed jobs a few times, fell in and out of love.

I hope he's found what he was looking for back then. I miss him.

For Paul Barrett

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