A Legal Alien

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05 May 2005

B is staying here while I'm gone. I hope FWB will be able to come down before I leave but that's still up in the air because of work, etc. I'm going to go down to see Ollie and the boys next weekend, to play on the beach and just relax. I've been so wound for the last week. I just have to get my head together. It will be good to go home.
I've gotten some good work done on my dissertation this week and found a good place to work at the British Library. B and I had a good chat on the way there last week and got me signed up as an official user so I can get into the cool rooms there. Some times the best thing in the world is to have a guy's perspective on life. I needed that this last week. Life isn't nearly as complicated as I make it out to be.
Picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on... what choice do I have? I'm certainly not going to give in to the dark thoughts in my head that say I don't deserve to be happy. I can't give in to how sad I feel, how angry I am. I won't let someone hurt me this way again. I knew not to make myself vulnerable to him and I did it anyway. Live and learn, I guess. Somehow this has to be better. I don't know why or how but it will be. I'm not meant to be a wife and a mom, I guess. Some people are just supposed to stay single forever. I must be one of those people, even though that's not what I want. I have my friends, my family, my dog. I've known what it is to be loved and to love but I guess it's not meant to be a forever kind of thing for me.

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