A Legal Alien

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25 February 2005

Today started out in a completely nondescript sort of way. I got up, had cereal, checked email, took a shower. And then around 2pm, an email arrived from an ex-boyfriend, apologizing for "being a shit" to me. It was out of the blue and I wasn't prepared for it. I wanted to have a witty comeback but words failed me. Sometimes a simple "Thank you" will suffice. Even so, it weighed on my mind. I'm glad he's learning that karma's a bitch.

I headed downtown to meet Laura for coffee and shopping. Here's where the day started to go pear shaped. As we're walking down the stairs in Starbucks, I slipped and landed hard, ON MY ASS. IN FRONT OF 35,000 PEOPLE. I went down about 3 steps, dropping my sandwich in the process. But there's more. Wait for it...

I split my favourite pair of jeans RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE so my ample ass was able to be sufficiently aired out for the 35,000 other paying customers in Starbucks on Oxford Street. I knew I'd ripped them when I stood up and told Laura. Bless her, she told me to show her so she could see how bad the damage was. I was afraid to lift up my coat because the draft was sizeable but she convinced me to show her and 35,000 other people in Starbucks. On OXFORD STREET. Humiliation aside, I managed to scrape my BARE ASS on the stairs, tweak my back and bruise my tailbone. Thank God I was wearing a sweater that was easily taken off and wrapped around my waist. It was a drafty afternoon. Oh, and I forgot to add, I was wearing a thong.

I was afraid to ride the Tube home (stairs and all that) so instead, I took the bus. I HATE THE BUS. It was crowded and in case you forgot the most important part of the story, MY ASS WAS EXPOSED. I got home ok and for the time being, I'm stiff and still embarrassed.

As my friend Lynda says, "When life hands you lemons, go get the tequilla." Make mine a double.

For Paul Barrett

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