A Legal Alien

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18 January 2005

Some helpful hints from me to you, the transit users of the world:

1. Have your ticket or money out BEFORE you get on the bus. No, really. I don't want to wait behind you in the queue because it's RAINING and cold outside.

2. Just because you spawned and use an SUV sized stroller does not mean you get to glare at me and roll over my foot. No, I can't move out of the way because there are 1,894 people on this bus. Did you notice it's 5:30pm???

3. Bathe. Daily. Please.

4. Yelling in my face to stop pushing you WHEN I'M NOT PUSHING YOU does nothing but make me want to slam my fat American ass into you over and over. Oh, and I'll look perfectly innocent in the process.

5. There's no need to ring the bus stop over and over again. See that sign that says "STOPPING"? That means the bus is stopping at the next stand. Please, get off the bus immediately. Before I go all American on you.

6. No I don't have any change. I see you working this Tube line every day and you still don't have the £1.47 for that hostel? Try taking a shower. Those are free. Oh, and I saw you later scarfing a candy bar in your mouth and counting your daily haul. There was more than £1.47 in your grungy pocket.

7. Offer your seat to a pensioner. That woman with a cane and shopping bags needs to sit more than your sorry chav butt does.

For Paul Barrett

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